What
do women do together sexually? (What is Sex between Women?)The Creation
of Lesbian Sexuality by Women
By Shere Hite
Women can have expressive and exciting sex lives with
each other. Women, according to my research, say that together they
have many orgasms and very satisfying experiences with each other.
Since there is no single pre-defined way of 'having sex' between two
women, no 'insert A into B' scenario (yes, a woman can buy a dildo
or plastic penis and 'pretend to be a man', but this is not the overiding
impulse most women feel with another woman, even if some do act in
this way), women together are creative about the way they share their
bodies, as well as the fantasies and meanings they give to what they
are doing, what they whisper.
This has profound implications for all of us, for the future of female
sexual expression defined in a new way -- whether a woman is in a
heterosexual or lesbian relationship.
Some basic facts: one of the striking differences in sex between two
women is that 'sex' is not over when one of the partners has orgasm,
since most women do not find that orgasm ends their sexual arousal.
The higher number and frequency of orgasms in lesbian sexual relationships
has been noted by various researchers going back at least as far as
Kinsey. Lesbian sexual relations tend to last longer and involve more
over-all body sensuality, since one orgasm does not usually signal
the end of sexual feeling. Clitoral stimulation to orgasm is accepted
as standard, offered and accepted as normal. But how do women together
do this? Is it erotic?
Here are the direct testimonies of women from my research, explaining
how they have sexual relations with another woman:
"With a woman there's no end, you don't have orgasms and end--
it's like a circle, it goes on and on. First we hug a lot and kiss
and caress each other, then we masturbate each other with our hands
and fingers and orally, sometimes combining both -- or with other
parts of our bodies..."
"Some times I think I could go straight from deep mouth kissing
to clitoral stimulation to have orgasm -- it depends on my state of
'readiness.' I also like my lover to touch me lightly with her tongue
and hands all over my body, especially my buttocks and lower abdomen.
For orgasm, either her tongue gently flicking my clitoris, or her
mouth sucking me hard, or her finger moving right above my clitoris
in an increasingly rapid up and down movement, makes me orgasm. Sometimes
she pushes her mouth hard against me and shakes her head rapidly from
side to side--I orgasm this way also. No one way works best all the
time; different ways work at different times. I'm shy, so I guess
it's easier for me if we start love-making with our clothes on and
do not have more than a minute's interruption for removal of clothes.
Otherwise I get a little self-conscious."
"There is always a great deal of touching and affection, fingers
run over each other's bodies, legs -entwined, and a great deal of
kissing all over our bodies. Then we get into oral sex, mutual or
sometimes one person at a time. Sometimes we rest for a while and
then start up again."
"The women I've been with have kissed me and I
them, we have hugged and gently touched each other; just having our
bodies together
and being warm sends a fire surging through my body. One woman sat
on my pelvic area lightly, with her back to my face, and stimulated
me vaginally/clitorally with her fingers, very gently, taking her
time and not at all concerned with getting me excited but more exploring-which
releases me to take my time and do the same. I enjoy all of them very
much and hope to see that I make women a more active part of my life.
I am doing this by seeking them out by going to lesbians' activities
and putting myself in a position to meet them for the conscious purpose
that I want to make love to a certain kind of woman that I love."
These descriptions by women themselves are different from the depictions
so often seen of exploitative 'lesbian sexuality' in magazines and
on television or in videos, where two women together are often pictured
in lurid, outre situations and wearing sleezy underwear or 'nighties'
-- and often, in pornography, seen as 'getting ready for a man', 'waiting
for a man', merely doing the 'warm up' with each other. This, as seen
here, is not the true case. Though some women together like to involve
'penetration', as we will see next week, women together find their
lovemaking extraordinarily satisfying. This does not make them 'man-haters'!
According to my research, women together are having a very different
kind of sexuality than that imagined via the reverse-mirror image
of 'sex' in terms of the false stereotype 'every woman wants a penis
in her.' For example, women together have many more orgasms than women
do with men; clitoral stimulation to orgasm is accepted, as are all
the creative forms of stimulation that can be effective between two
women.
Men should not fear these new ideas about female sexuality, but welcome
them and integrate them into their lovemaking with women, making space
for women to 'use their bodies' in new ways, not expecting that women
will reach orgasm during 'penetration', even though they may greatly
enjoy it, understanding too that women now may want or learn to be
active in new ways, not in the 'dominatrix' cliche of pornography
('now she's on top', and other such idiotic non-new reversals of ancient
roles).
Lesbian sexuality is interesting because it opens up a whole new realm
of possibilities between women, and because it creates its own scenario
and activities, there is no predesigned roadmap to follow ('insert
A into B'), thus women are free to find their own way.
Next week we will hear more about women's developing relationships
with each other. Understanding such sexual relations can be profoundly
helpful to everyone -- women and men -- as we try to redesign our
human sexual possibilities, our sexual landscape for the future.
