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GIRLS AND THEIR MOTHERS: ADORATION AND CONTEMPT THE HITE REPORT Byline: SHERE HITE The 1994 Hite Report found that daughters reserve their strongest emotions for their mothers. "I FELT secure in knowing my mother loved me beyond all else; I believed she even loved me more than she loved my father, my sister or even herself. I thought she was the most beautiful mother in the world." "She was the disciplinarian in our family, but strangely, though I see her that way, I can only remember being spanked once." "I admire strong women, intelligent women, independent women. My mother was a wimp." "The woman I have loved the most in my life is my Mum. She is supportive -strong, intelligent, beautiful and creative. She taught me everything from how to make cookies to inspiring me to have a career. My mother is the greatest woman I have ever known. She did everything for me I ever needed. I can only hope to become half the woman she is." The relationship most crucial to disrupt and destroy in patriarchy is that between mother and daughter. Any natural feelings of physical closeness or desire, love, must be stamped out, forbidden, lest women become too strong through their belief and trust in each other. Patriarchal ideology is emphatic on this point. Thus, through centuries of indoctrination, we have arrived at the place now where we consider it the most "unnatural" and unlikely thing that daughters would ever be emotionally or sensually attracted to their mother. Or vice versa. And yet it is considered "normal" that fathers and daughters at least notice each other sexually. Mothers are the butt of jokes and almost constantly depicted as "nagging", no fun and too "demanding". Father-dominant ideology severely enforces the separation of women in order to maintain its own system. Women must serve the cause of male dominance in the family, support men emotionally and physically, through housework and sometimes sexuality, or through emotional comforting. Daughters must not see mothers as No 1 figures, equally powerful as men. Children in patriarchy must "belong" to the father, physically and psychologically. This is how the patriarchal family system is maintained. Yet we are seeing a new kind of relationship emerge between mothers and daughters, especially within the past short 20 years. When I began investigating mother-daughter relationships in the 1970s, I found a large number of girls and young women absolutely despising their mother, yet all thinking that they were individually and uniquely reaching this conclusion about "her". Today, in the l990s, a majority of young women describe positive feelings for and experiences with their mother, even though they still have a large number of complaints | Fights are by no means a thing of the past, nor are feelings of conflict, nor is the old saying, "I hope I'm not like my mother". But there is definite, palpable change. Who has changed? The daughters? The mothers? We all have. Things are changing between mothers and daughters, but still most daughters react almost with horror when asked the question, "Do you want to be like your mother?" "If I grow up to be like my mother, I'll put a gun to my head." Women of varied social classes, races and backgrounds vehemently state that they don't want to be like their mothers. Why? Said one respondent: "I am afraid of being anything like her, even to the point of hating myself for looking similar to her. I hate the thought of old age because I think I will get to look more and more like her. Psychologically, I am working to separate from her upbringing of me and find my own identity." What is this fear we have of being like our mother? Is it fear of being second-class, not important, not counting? Of developing subservient behaviour? Or is it fear of being considered "unattractive" and "old"? Or all of these? Many girls and women muse over how much they are like their mother: "In many ways I am very much like my mother. I worry about things like she does, and like her, I try much too often to please everyone. "I didn't like it when my Mum tolerated stupid people or went along with things they said. I worry when I see myself now being a mirror of this sometimes." From The Hite Report on the Family by Shere Hite, to be published in Australia by Bloomsbury ------------------------------ Publication: Sydney Morning Herald - Publication date: 2-3-1994 - Edition: Late - Page no: 13 - Section: News and Features - Sub section: Agenda |
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