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What is a man's 'sexual nature'? S. Hite Most men have been taught to think of their bodies as sexual tools in the harness of reproductive activity. The canon goes like this: 'You must get an erection, you must insert it into the vagina, and you must have an orgasm - but not too soon!' Starting in the James Bond sixties, a man was thought odd if he did not want sex with a young (reproductive-age) woman at the drop of a hat: a 'real man' should always have a hard penis, 'have it ready', gun loaded. There is an assumption that 'men are sexual beasts with raging hormones', i.e., we are all 'natural creatures' underneath society's 'varnish' (veneer), and our sexual nature is biologically structured: male sexuality is especially 'understood' in terms of its being of 'animal or bestial nature'. According to this popular hypothesis, a 'man is a beast who can't help himself...certain things turn him on and he gets going and just can't stop, it's nature's way of making him deposit his seed here, there and everywhere...' In recent years, have men become less focused on erection of the penis or 'drive for coitus' a la James Bond? Reconnected their sexuality and their emotions? Are most men still basically worried about 'how big' their erection is? Our culture's lessons to men have been so strong that few men are able to go past them, to create their own personal sexuality. We live in a culture that has taught us that sex is reproductive activity; that other activities (such as masturbation or oral sex with no coitus) are less valuable, even evil. In this scenario, men are focused on achieving erection - though many women make it clear that erection is not the key to their sexual satisfaction. The fashionable drug Viagra, a 'miracle pill' that offers men an erection 'on demand', reinforces the idea that erection is the be-all and end-all of male sexuality - the only way a man can be sexual -- and also reinforces the belief that erection is mechanical, not really related to a relationship or emotions. The truth is that if a man does not have an erection, there may very well be a problem in his relationship or his situation, not in his penis. However, though emotions and erection are clearly connected, many men would rather believe anything else, i.e., 'Well, I guess when you get middle-aged, this is bound to happen.' This seems to mean that the penis is simply connected to a more-or-less self-generating set of hormones or body mechanisms that should operate, no matter what a man is (or is not) experiencing. People have often made fun of the 'toys-for-boys' erection set idea of masculinity - wooden blocks boys place together to form buildings, atoms, etc. - joking about whether men would also use a wooden kit to build 'the erection' too? Others insist skyscrapers and pointed objects are 'obviously artists' representations of The Penis...' Such remarks give boys the impression, when they are growing up, that they have a foreign object between their legs - that the flesh on their body called 'the penis' is not a part of their overall 'being', not their 'self', but just a 'rude piece of meat', 'down there'. The epithet, 'He thinks with his penis' is further damaging, since it implies that when men have erections and desire sexual connection, they are not thinking but being 'stupid' or 'animalistic'' He's a 'jerk' is an epithet coming from ''jerk off', meaning someone who masturbates, i.e., 'plays with himself.' The truth is that the penis is a delicate part of the male being, one that responds with exquisite sensitivity to every nuance of emotion a man can feel. However, the society has tried to insist that 'a real man' should 'get hard' at will, whenever he decides (in his brain?) it is 'appropriate'. But it is impossible to will an erection into being. Trying to do this has caused a great deal of psychological pain and self-hate in many men - and often in their partners, too, as both took 'lack' of erection as a sign of lack of love. Erections come and go in men, during sex and during sleep. A man who is kissing a loved one may stop, worrying, 'I can't get an erection now, so I'd better not keep on with this.' But in fact, he could continue being deeply involved physically with his partner. Many men stimulate themselves during sex, masturbate for a minute or two, to make sure their penis is hard at the very time they want it to be. This approach works perfectly for most men. On the other hand, a man can enjoy 'sex' even without having an erection - though of course erection itself is pleasurable for men and no one wants to deny this. But since orgasm in women is generally not caused by 'penetration' or coitus, no matter how much a woman may enjoy the feelings (but not all women do), therefore there should be no pressure on a man to have an erection 'to please the woman', in most cases. The definition of sex has been focused on the reproductive act, to the detriment of other activities, because we have evolved from a culture that wanted to increase reproduction. Now, however, most of us use birth control. Our sexual acts have been channelled into too limited a form of expression; sex could be more interesting if it was not always focused on one scenario -- 'foreplay' followed by 'penetration' (insertion), the high point being 'fucking' (coitus). Sex should be a varied individual language of ways to touch, caress and excite oneself and another person - whether that means stimulation by hand of both people, or sharing the excitement of a sexual fantasy, or oral sex. The fear of HIV has increased rather than decreased the focus on erection; many men only became more nervous having to face putting on a condom and not lose the erection or their sexual desire. Further new pressures added more complications: not only are men asked to use a condom, they are expected to provide clitoral stimulation to orgasm in many cases, and to be emotionally sensitive to their partner, not (for example) turning over and falling asleep immediately after their own orgasm. While some men breeze through the art of providing clitoral stimulation by hand or mouth to orgasm, others prefer to think the 'g-spot' inside the vagina is the answer to the changes in sexuality that women have been talking about. Masturbation is the one time men express their sexuality without a focus on reproduction or coitus, and do not worry about erection. As one man puts it, 'I have more or less two sex lives, one with my wife and one with myself.' Many women in my research are shocked to learn that a man who is their regular partner also regularly masturbates: 'Why would he want to do that, when he can have sex with me anytime he wants?' Men in my research say they enjoy masturbation or having sex alone, because they can fantasize about whatever they want and there is no pressure on them to perform for another person. Men could enjoy their sexuality more if they would focus less on penetration during sex and more on expressing themselves sexually in whatever form their emotions take, while making space for their partner to do the same. No man should ever fear lack of erection, as he has only to reach down and touch himself. |
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